Anngie will (still) be Anngie

“She loves more than she’ll ever get back and she knows it. And yet, she loves anyway.”

And I tried to change, didn’t I?

Not to be sentimental anymore. Not that sensitive anymore. Not that thoughtful. Not that sweet. Not to wear my heart on my sleeves anymore. Yung poker face na lang? Yung di masyado emotional? Haha Yung not to care too much? Alam mo yun? Para baka sakaling di na ako masyado affected lagi?

But kanina, my fav aunt (who’s in US) sent me a picture of the doll I gave her 8 years ago. Kung naaalala ko pa raw yon. I gave it to her bago sya umalis. And she kept it. Treasured it. At dun ko narealize na I must not change how I love, how I show my love to the people I love. Coz that love can go a long way. Through time and space. And just my luck, that love found me back. It even saved me from the negativity I’ve been feeling.

Hay. How powerful love is.

So Anngie, take it from Kris.

Love, love, love!


PS

I love my aunt, Ninang Aims, so much. Iba yung pagmamahal nya sa akin. Mula noong bata pa ako. Di ko sure kung deserve ko. May kaya palang magmahal sa akin nang ganun (aside from my mom and my sibs). Lucky to have spent good times with her noong umuwi sya. Sinulit ko talaga. Baka matagalan na yung next eh. Hay miss ko na siya. Hope she’s happy wherever she is. For now, I will just send my love for her via prayer (and an IG post haha).

Masarap nga pala minsan yung feeling na meron naman palang may favorite sa akin. (Bukod Kay Alex. Noon. Kbye πŸ˜‚)

Happy Father’s Day, Finally

Honestly, maraming beses na akong nagmura sa utak ko. Pero if I’m not mistaken, thrice ko palang na-voice out yung t*ng-i*a. First, when I found out that my bestfriend passed away. Second, when I got emo because I got bitten by the dog we were training for PSY140 (Psychology of Learning). It happened during a bad, bad time that’s why I kinda lost my mind. I even wrote a blog about it here! Hahaha And the third one was last Saturday, when I read my father’s reply to me.

Natigilan ako dahil kung di ako nagkakamali, this was the first time na natawag nya akong “anak.” Ang drama pakinggan pero wala e, it seemed like there was a space in my heart waiting for that word from him. And when he finally said (texted) it, napasabi ako ng malutong na tang-ina while shaking my head. (Teka nawalan ng sense yung pagcensor ko kanina) Hahaha Mukha akong sira that moment. But I remember how it made me smile.

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Okay na. Okay na ako sa ganito. Hanggang ganito na lang tayo pero okay na rin, Pa. Basta safe ka. At masaya. At basta maging tatay ka sa kanila. Basta di sila lumaki nang may bubog na tulad ng sa akin. At basta okay ka. Okay na.

No Words

Madaling-araw na. Pagod na. Maagap pa ang gising bukas. But I’m here. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang isulat dito na… 

NAKARAMING AKBAY SA AKIN TONIGHT ANG TATAY KO.

And if that’s his way of saying sorry, apology accepted po.

Gusto kong magsumbong sa’yo.

Oh heto. Na-fragile ako nung tinanong mo ako, β€œHow are you, yung totoo?”

Yung totoo?

Paano ko ba sasabihin sa’yo?

Na kung anu-ano nang pinagGAGAwa ko hahahahaha

Na may nanakit sa feelings ko.

Na hindi naman ako nag-invest masyado pero feeling ko talo pa rin ako.

Na nahihirapan na naman akong maniwala.

Na may hindi pa rin akong maexplain na feeling.

Na some days okay naman pero minsan, wala eh, empty talaga.

Na minsan, there are some people who are giving me a “hard time.”

Na madalasΒ ang labo-labo ko na talaga hahaha

Na sana nandito ka ulit sa tabi ko habang nag-o-all-nighter ako.

Na iniiyakan ko ngayon yung kantang dinedicate mo sa akin.

Na miss na miss na kita. Kayo.

Na lately, ang lungkot na mag-isa.

Panda’s Home

Finally, nakauwi na ako sa Elbi. Wala na talaga ito sa plano because of financial constraints. Pero last Monday night, noong nafeel ko bigla yung bigat ng lahat lahat ng nasa loob ko, walang budget budget, nagdecide akong umuwi rito.

Ang plano, one night lang. Pero nagawaan ng paraan. It’s my second night here. (Thank you so much Apt 3 babies!) At so far? ANG SAYA. SYET.

Foodtrip. Chika marathon. Laughtrip. Yakap. Handshake. Volleyball. Videoke. Inom nang pavery light. Kape. Yakap. Late night to madaling-araw kwentuhan. At yakap ulit.

Sobra ko itong namiss eh. Itong buhay na ito. Itong lugar na ito. Sobra kong namiss itong mga taong ito. Sobra kong namiss ang feeling na ito with them.

At kanina, habang nagkakape, umupo ako sa may pinto ng apartment 3 kung saan dati rin akong umuupo pag nagkakape at nagmumuni-muni. Humigop ako ng kape, tumingin sa “hallway” ng Ilag’s, napatingin sa mga karatig na apartments. Tumingala sa langit at nakitang nandun pa rin yung bituing lagi kong tinitingnan noon mula sa apartment. Higop ulit ng kape. Naiiyak na ako.

Nagflashback lahat. Moments. People. Feelings.

Dati, nakaupo ako roon, umiiyak dahil nakagat ako ng aso. O kaya dahil nangangambang walang mapapasali sa org. O kaya dahil sa acads. O dahil mismo sa thesis na di matapos. O dahil sa problema sa pamilya. O di kaya naman ay dahil sa kaibigan.

At ngayon, muli akong nakaupo roon, umiiyak pa rin. Sa ibang dahilan na.

Tinabihan ako ni Chelsie. Di ko kinaya, nagpaalam na ako na iiyak na talaga ako sa tabi nya. And she let me. Then she hugged me.

At wala akong nasabi kundi “Oh my gaaahd. Ang bilis. Ang daming nangyari. My gaaahd.” Punas luha, tawa, iyak pa, tawa, punas luha.

No regrets naman din talaga.

Pero shet.

What would I give to be that girl (panda) again? To be here again? To be “okay” again?

Missing You in a Good Way

Remember when you tried to delete me from your memory and it failed when it reached 99%? Idiot. Hahaha

I miss you, Pren.

Not the i-want-you-back kind of “I miss you”.Β Nor the what-if-nandito-ka kind. Nor even the i’m-still-hurting-i-miss-you kind. Just…I miss you. Not because I’m sad. But because I just really do miss you.

I’m fine, Pren. Char minsan hindi. Nitong nakaraan, I’m not. But you, for some reasons, always remind me how beautiful life is — how precious our time in this world is. You remind me that life is a big adventure and we are great explorers. That in this battle, we are victors no matter what.

AndΒ yeah, I guess I know what this is. This is you-still-inspire-me kind of “I miss you”.

So from my healing soul, thank you. And for the nth time, I miss you. ⭐