Happy Father’s Day, Finally

Honestly, maraming beses na akong nagmura sa utak ko. Pero if I’m not mistaken, thrice ko palang na-voice out yung t*ng-i*a. First, when I found out that my bestfriend passed away. Second, when I got emo because I got bitten by the dog we were training for PSY140 (Psychology of Learning). It happened during a bad, bad time that’s why I kinda lost my mind. I even wrote a blog about it here! Hahaha And the third one was last Saturday, when I read my father’s reply to me.

Natigilan ako dahil kung di ako nagkakamali, this was the first time na natawag nya akong “anak.” Ang drama pakinggan pero wala e, it seemed like there was a space in my heart waiting for that word from him. And when he finally said (texted) it, napasabi ako ng malutong na tang-ina while shaking my head. (Teka nawalan ng sense yung pagcensor ko kanina) Hahaha Mukha akong sira that moment. But I remember how it made me smile.

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Okay na. Okay na ako sa ganito. Hanggang ganito na lang tayo pero okay na rin, Pa. Basta safe ka. At masaya. At basta maging tatay ka sa kanila. Basta di sila lumaki nang may bubog na tulad ng sa akin. At basta okay ka. Okay na.

No Words

Madaling-araw na. Pagod na. Maagap pa ang gising bukas. But I’m here. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang isulat dito na… 

NAKARAMING AKBAY SA AKIN TONIGHT ANG TATAY KO.

And if that’s his way of saying sorry, apology accepted po.

Gusto kong magsumbong sa’yo.

Oh heto. Na-fragile ako nung tinanong mo ako, “How are you, yung totoo?”

Yung totoo?

Paano ko ba sasabihin sa’yo?

Na kung anu-ano nang pinagGAGAwa ko hahahahaha

Na may nanakit sa feelings ko.

Na hindi naman ako nag-invest masyado pero feeling ko talo pa rin ako.

Na nahihirapan na naman akong maniwala.

Na may hindi pa rin akong maexplain na feeling.

Na some days okay naman pero minsan, wala eh, empty talaga.

Na minsan, there are some people who are giving me a “hard time.”

Na madalas ang labo-labo ko na talaga hahaha

Na sana nandito ka ulit sa tabi ko habang nag-o-all-nighter ako.

Na iniiyakan ko ngayon yung kantang dinedicate mo sa akin.

Na miss na miss na kita. Kayo.

Na lately, ang lungkot na mag-isa.

Panda’s Home

Finally, nakauwi na ako sa Elbi. Wala na talaga ito sa plano because of financial constraints. Pero last Monday night, noong nafeel ko bigla yung bigat ng lahat lahat ng nasa loob ko, walang budget budget, nagdecide akong umuwi rito.

Ang plano, one night lang. Pero nagawaan ng paraan. It’s my second night here. (Thank you so much Apt 3 babies!) At so far? ANG SAYA. SYET.

Foodtrip. Chika marathon. Laughtrip. Yakap. Handshake. Volleyball. Videoke. Inom nang pavery light. Kape. Yakap. Late night to madaling-araw kwentuhan. At yakap ulit.

Sobra ko itong namiss eh. Itong buhay na ito. Itong lugar na ito. Sobra kong namiss itong mga taong ito. Sobra kong namiss ang feeling na ito with them.

At kanina, habang nagkakape, umupo ako sa may pinto ng apartment 3 kung saan dati rin akong umuupo pag nagkakape at nagmumuni-muni. Humigop ako ng kape, tumingin sa “hallway” ng Ilag’s, napatingin sa mga karatig na apartments. Tumingala sa langit at nakitang nandun pa rin yung bituing lagi kong tinitingnan noon mula sa apartment. Higop ulit ng kape. Naiiyak na ako.

Nagflashback lahat. Moments. People. Feelings.

Dati, nakaupo ako roon, umiiyak dahil nakagat ako ng aso. O kaya dahil nangangambang walang mapapasali sa org. O kaya dahil sa acads. O dahil mismo sa thesis na di matapos. O dahil sa problema sa pamilya. O di kaya naman ay dahil sa kaibigan.

At ngayon, muli akong nakaupo roon, umiiyak pa rin. Sa ibang dahilan na.

Tinabihan ako ni Chelsie. Di ko kinaya, nagpaalam na ako na iiyak na talaga ako sa tabi nya. And she let me. Then she hugged me.

At wala akong nasabi kundi “Oh my gaaahd. Ang bilis. Ang daming nangyari. My gaaahd.” Punas luha, tawa, iyak pa, tawa, punas luha.

No regrets naman din talaga.

Pero shet.

What would I give to be that girl (panda) again? To be here again? To be “okay” again?

Missing You in a Good Way

Remember when you tried to delete me from your memory and it failed when it reached 99%? Idiot. Hahaha

I miss you, Pren.

Not the i-want-you-back kind of “I miss you”Nor the what-if-nandito-ka kind. Nor even the i’m-still-hurting-i-miss-you kind. Just…I miss you. Not because I’m sad. But because I just really do miss you.

I’m fine, Pren. Char minsan hindi. Nitong nakaraan, I’m not. But you, for some reasons, always remind me how beautiful life is — how precious our time in this world is. You remind me that life is a big adventure and we are great explorers. That in this battle, we are victors no matter what.

And yeah, I guess I know what this is. This is you-still-inspire-me kind of “I miss you”.

So from my healing soul, thank you. And for the nth time, I miss you. ⭐

You Had Me at ‘i need you’

I once told myself,  “Yup. I’ll be that friend — the one who will happily watch you chase the sunrise when you’re in the mood for life, and also the one who will be there waiting for you, with open arms, just in case you decided to come back at twilight.”

I have watched people come and go in my life. Many of them I considered as friends. And yes, I lost some friends along the way. But, fortunately, I keep finding them, again and again. Well,  some of them.

And I guess I have this weird bliss whenever a friend looks for me, needs me. I mean, I’m not happy that they are not okay, obviously. But I like the idea that I came to their mind at 2am, on a frustrating day, during a depressing moment, or even on a random time with a random feeling. I like to be called. I like to be DM-ed or PM-ed. I like to be needed. I wanna be there.

However, though there’s kind of a flattery I feel whenever this happens, it’s not easy to be in this situation. There’s this phonecall I had when I felt my heart breaking when my friend cried to me the achy words “Ayoko na.” At first, I really don’t know what to say. But eventually, she calmed down and we had a light and cheerful talk until she was able to breathe peacefully again. And it was so fulfilling to me when I heard her laugh again.

There, that’s the bliss I’m talking about. Being in the right place at the right time for someone. But you know, life, as we know it, is not always smooth like that. There are times that I have my own shitty situation and so I can’t handle others’ shits at the same time. But I know (I hope), they understand that.

Upon realizing all of these, I think I know one factor why I have this kind of “i-need-you bliss” thinking. Maybe, it’s him. Because I know, deep down, a part of me still wishes I could have saved him. I know, it’s really not in my hands and maybe you think I am just being a frustrated hero. But nah. And it’s not that I’m blaming myself or anything. I just sometimes think if it would make any difference if that time, I was in the right place at the right time. Could have I at least had the chance to say goodbye?

So there, I guess I found out why now, as much as possible, I wanna really be there for my friends who need me.

Not trying to be a perfect friend.

Nor a guidance counselor.

Just trying to show how much I love them.

And just also trying to apply a lesson I got not so long ago.