Aayusin ko muna ang sarili ko. Promise.
Saksi ang city lights, kalye, at buildings na kaharap ko.
Ako muna. Yung mga mali sa buhay ko, itatama ko muna. Yung magulo, aayusin ko. I’m not saying I’m gonna strive to be perfect. But I will try. To be responsible. To be disciplined. To be stable (financially and emotionally! physically na rin). To give time and love to my family and my friends. To serve. To strengthen my faith. To forgive myself. To learn. To make allowance for my mistakes. And to learn even more. To heal. To grow up.
Today, I learned that a good workplace is important. But good workmates matter more. So much more.
Today, I learned that we should always prioritize, keep, and nurture lifelong relationships. Everyday.
Today, I learned that I’m still confused. And I think, ultimately, there’s nothing more I can do but to wait how things and truth will unfold. And yeah, I will do my best to guard this heart.
Today, I decided to write again.
Ano nga ba ang nangyari? Bakit ako nawala?
Oh well. Kung dito ko sisimulan ang entry na ito, malamang di ko rin ito matatapos at magiging draft lamang ito. Coz for some reasons, it’s so hard to explain. Everytime random thoughts flood my mind and I wanna write about them, my emotions get in the way. Idk. And tonight, muntik ko na ulit hindi ituloy ito. Madaling-araw na kasi at may pasok pa ako later. And jusko yung emotions ko, intense na naman. But I’m guessing, this time, it is PMS. Hahaha
So I’ll just write about my Lolo who’s celebrating his first birthday in heaven. I miss him. We miss him.
He’s one of my favorite people in the universe. And it breaks my heart everytime I realize I can no longer hug him. But still, he surely has his ways of cheering me up.
Last week, I found about my blood type. And boom, parehas kami ni Panday.
And that’s enough to put a smile on my face.
Happy birthday Panday! Salamat po, sa’yo ko pala namana itong dugo kong positibo.
“She loves more than she’ll ever get back and she knows it. And yet, she loves anyway.”
And I tried to change, didn’t I?
Not to be sentimental anymore. Not that sensitive anymore. Not that thoughtful. Not that sweet. Not to wear my heart on my sleeves anymore. Yung poker face na lang? Yung di masyado emotional? Haha Yung not to care too much? Alam mo yun? Para baka sakaling di na ako masyado affected lagi?
But kanina, my fav aunt (who’s in US) sent me a picture of the doll I gave her 8 years ago. Kung naaalala ko pa raw yon. I gave it to her bago sya umalis. And she kept it. Treasured it. At dun ko narealize na I must not change how I love, how I show my love to the people I love. Coz that love can go a long way. Through time and space. And just my luck, that love found me back. It even saved me from the negativity I’ve been feeling.
Hay. How powerful love is.
So Anngie, take it from Kris.
Love, love, love!
I love my aunt, Ninang Aims, so much. Iba yung pagmamahal nya sa akin. Mula noong bata pa ako. Di ko sure kung deserve ko. May kaya palang magmahal sa akin nang ganun (aside from my mom and my sibs). Lucky to have spent good times with her noong umuwi sya. Sinulit ko talaga. Baka matagalan na yung next eh. Hay miss ko na siya. Hope she’s happy wherever she is. For now, I will just send my love for her via prayer (and an IG post haha).
Masarap nga pala minsan yung feeling na meron naman palang may favorite sa akin. (Bukod Kay Alex. Noon. Kbye 😂)
Honestly, maraming beses na akong nagmura sa utak ko. Pero if I’m not mistaken, thrice ko palang na-voice out yung t*ng-i*a. First, when I found out that my bestfriend passed away. Second, when I got emo because I got bitten by the dog we were training for PSY140 (Psychology of Learning). It happened during a bad, bad time that’s why I kinda lost my mind. I even wrote a blog about it here! Hahaha And the third one was last Saturday, when I read my father’s reply to me.
Natigilan ako dahil kung di ako nagkakamali, this was the first time na natawag nya akong “anak.” Ang drama pakinggan pero wala e, it seemed like there was a space in my heart waiting for that word from him. And when he finally said (texted) it, napasabi ako ng malutong na tang-ina while shaking my head. (Teka nawalan ng sense yung pagcensor ko kanina) Hahaha Mukha akong sira that moment. But I remember how it made me smile.
Okay na. Okay na ako sa ganito. Hanggang ganito na lang tayo pero okay na rin, Pa. Basta safe ka. At masaya. At basta maging tatay ka sa kanila. Basta di sila lumaki nang may bubog na tulad ng sa akin. At basta okay ka. Okay na.
Madaling-araw na. Pagod na. Maagap pa ang gising bukas. But I’m here. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang isulat dito na…
NAKARAMING AKBAY SA AKIN TONIGHT ANG TATAY KO.
And if that’s his way of saying sorry, apology accepted po.