Happy Father’s Day, Finally

Honestly, maraming beses na akong nagmura sa utak ko. Pero if I’m not mistaken, thrice ko palang na-voice out yung t*ng-i*a. First, when I found out that my bestfriend passed away. Second, when I got emo because I got bitten by the dog we were training for PSY140 (Psychology of Learning). It happened during a bad, bad time that’s why I kinda lost my mind. I even wrote a blog about it here! Hahaha And the third one was last Saturday, when I read my father’s reply to me.

Natigilan ako dahil kung di ako nagkakamali, this was the first time na natawag nya akong “anak.” Ang drama pakinggan pero wala e, it seemed like there was a space in my heart waiting for that word from him. And when he finally said (texted) it, napasabi ako ng malutong na tang-ina while shaking my head. (Teka nawalan ng sense yung pagcensor ko kanina) Hahaha Mukha akong sira that moment. But I remember how it made me smile.

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Okay na. Okay na ako sa ganito. Hanggang ganito na lang tayo pero okay na rin, Pa. Basta safe ka. At masaya. At basta maging tatay ka sa kanila. Basta di sila lumaki nang may bubog na tulad ng sa akin. At basta okay ka. Okay na.

No Words

Madaling-araw na. Pagod na. Maagap pa ang gising bukas. But I’m here. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang isulat dito na… 

NAKARAMING AKBAY SA AKIN TONIGHT ANG TATAY KO.

And if that’s his way of saying sorry, apology accepted po.

Gusto kong magsumbong sa’yo.

Oh heto. Na-fragile ako nung tinanong mo ako, “How are you, yung totoo?”

Yung totoo?

Paano ko ba sasabihin sa’yo?

Na kung anu-ano nang pinagGAGAwa ko hahahahaha

Na may nanakit sa feelings ko.

Na hindi naman ako nag-invest masyado pero feeling ko talo pa rin ako.

Na nahihirapan na naman akong maniwala.

Na may hindi pa rin akong maexplain na feeling.

Na some days okay naman pero minsan, wala eh, empty talaga.

Na minsan, there are some people who are giving me a “hard time.”

Na madalas ang labo-labo ko na talaga hahaha

Na sana nandito ka ulit sa tabi ko habang nag-o-all-nighter ako.

Na iniiyakan ko ngayon yung kantang dinedicate mo sa akin.

Na miss na miss na kita. Kayo.

Na lately, ang lungkot na mag-isa.

The Insanity that Gives Sanity

Took me more than a month to get back here. Haha What happened? A LOT. It was a crazy month. Lots of first times. Lots of fun. Lots of mood swings. And I must admit, lots of mistakes. There were also down moments, for no apparent reason. But to sum it all up, one word: INSANE.

 

Insane Adventure: EKstreme

Got the chance to explore Enchanted Kingdom for the first time (I KNOW!).  Bonus: With my best friends: Nikko and Jickey. Natuloy din sa wakas! Hahahaha That day was really tiring but totally well spent. And I know, the magic stayed with us. Well, our friendship is our true magic, anyway.

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Photos by: Jickey Ella Mendoza

Insane Encounter (with Angel of Death huhuhaha)

That Insane Adventure became memorable not just because of our BFF day. I will never forget April 8, 2017 because it was the day I refused to die. Yup, I just fought for my life. Woooh strong! So here’s what happened. Before going to EK, we decided to have lunch first at Nuvali. I was doing fine until we got there around 12NN. I thought it’s just because of dysmenorrhea as I was starting to feel pain on my lower abdomen. So, the first thing I did was to go to the restroom. But, when I sat on the toilet bowl, I suddenly felt dizzy. I felt like melting as I started sweating excessively. I felt nauseous. Thinking it’s because of hunger, I immediately got food and water from my bag. But it did not help. So I stood up. That’s when I felt collapsing. I sat on the floor and tried with all my might to get my phone and text Jickey. I managed to send two messages: “Ike help” and “CR.” Fortunately, that time, they were taking selfies (MAUUTAS NA LANG AKO PICTORIAL PA YUNG DALAWANG BUANG) and so she immediately saw my text. She thought I was just gonna ask for napkin but she was shookt to see me on the floor. And according to her, as she describes it to Nikko,  (NV) “Alam mo yung para tayong nagroroadtrip tapos tumigil tayo sa isang gasolinahan para mag-CR si Angge. Tapos dun sya nagbreakdown. Mukha syang broken!!!” Wow, thanks Ike. Anyway, the bottomline is… SHET, THIS IS MY SECOND LIFE! (baka nga hindi lang second eh) HUHU THANK YOU LORD. AND THANK YOU JICKEY FOR SAVING ME. Grabe talaga. I remember myself saying in the middle of my ~battle~, “No. Hindi ako pwedeng mamatay today. Ayoko. Mag-e-EK pa kami. Ako na naman ang jinx.” Yup, my ~fighting thoughts~. And I succeeded. Oh di ba, insane?

Insane Bath (Hahaha BUHUSAYA sa Lucban!!!)

It was my first time to celebrate BUHUSAN, an Easter Sunday celebration in Lucban, ofcourse, with my dearest orgmates. Oh di ba, kung kailan nakagraduate na ako. Hahaha And, it was really fun to the point na understatement na ang salitang fun. Ganern. Highlight of party is when we’re all jumping and screaming together habang nakaikot sa aming mga sisses ang brods. Nagkakabungguan and medyo pisikalan kasi sa crowd. And the sweetest brods suddenly formed a circle where kapit-kapit sila to protect us habang nagwawalwal. Sobrang solid nung feeling. And another solid feeling, I was able to catch up with my friends. Not to mention my heart to heart session with Kathkath and with Chelsie (who gave us warm accommodation, yey thanks Nak!). Ang sarap lang sa feeling to be able to feel alive again because of my orgmates’ hugs and stories. That’s why I’m really hoping for a next getaway with them. Asap!

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Photos by: Ericson Andaya, Cedric Abuso, and Chelsie Calubayan

 

 Insane Move (That Changed My Life CHAROT)

Okay. Honestly, I don’t feel comfortable sharing this here. And man, sobrang haba ikwento. Hahaha So, I’ll just give the gist. In the simplest and most direct way I can. Lol So. Napatunayan kong late bloomer ako. HAHA There’s this guy (eeeew, not so Anngie HAHAHA). Okay “simplest and most direct way” nga pala. I met a guy. In a not-so-Anngie way. HE HE. And then we started having communication. Then I came back to my senses. I told him that I don’t want play time. So I just asked him to be my friend. Pero ang labo nya. Until we lost the “PBB teens” / “sparks” we had at first. Then I got sad. I realized how messed up I am especially when it comes to this thing. I’m so complicated. Combination ni Robin and Ted, that’s how I feel. So I started sharing it to some of my closest friends. Sobrang hesitant ko to share it coz I really find it difficult to talk about it. Ewan ko ba. Di talaga ako sanay. So yun. I got pieces of advice. And, I got the chance to really talk to my heart. Until narealize ko na lang na I’m tired of mind games. My own mind games. And ayaw ko na syang problemahin. So I started getting detached. KAYA BA NG ISANG ANNGIE YON? HAHAHA PERO, YES, KINAKAYA. Coz it’s not just about knowing what you deserve. It’s also believing that you deserve it. So yun, but I did not block him. Tuloy lang, casual na lang ako. And the insane part, until now open pa rin communication namin. Although I thought tapos na when we did not talk for several days. But he still came back. But we’re not like we used to be. In fairness naman, I did not want to push him away and be this “detached.” Sometimes, it’s tempting to show him the real me – clingy, talkative, and medyo thoughtful (hehe claim ko po muna lol). But I can’t. Especially when he can’t give me a reason to do so. Pero teka ano ito. Breaking news! This just in! Yup as in as I’m writing this! Mukhang we’re starting to be real friends na. Half of my heart is saying, “Meh. Okay lang naman.” The other half naman is shouting “Medyo tangaaaa!” Pero wala. Game na. Sabi nga ng post ko sa Instagram kanina, “Do whatever the hell it takes to make you feel real again.” So I guess, tingnan na lang natin kung saan ito hahantong. Abangan ang susunod na kabanata. (SANA NAMAN WAG AKONG LUHAAN BAKLAAAA HUHUHAHAHA) Okay. Simplest. Most direct. Galeng.

 

Insane Life (In a Good Way)

These are just some of the insane moments I got lately. Marami pang iba. Minsan nakakatempt pagsisihan, lalo na pag di mo masyado nagustuhan ang outcome. But that’s life. Being wrong, being right. Being happy, being sad. And everything in between. So just enjoy the insanity, dear self. Magmemake sense din in the end. And if it didn’t, it’s okay, that’s still life.

Panda’s Home

Finally, nakauwi na ako sa Elbi. Wala na talaga ito sa plano because of financial constraints. Pero last Monday night, noong nafeel ko bigla yung bigat ng lahat lahat ng nasa loob ko, walang budget budget, nagdecide akong umuwi rito.

Ang plano, one night lang. Pero nagawaan ng paraan. It’s my second night here. (Thank you so much Apt 3 babies!) At so far? ANG SAYA. SYET.

Foodtrip. Chika marathon. Laughtrip. Yakap. Handshake. Volleyball. Videoke. Inom nang pavery light. Kape. Yakap. Late night to madaling-araw kwentuhan. At yakap ulit.

Sobra ko itong namiss eh. Itong buhay na ito. Itong lugar na ito. Sobra kong namiss itong mga taong ito. Sobra kong namiss ang feeling na ito with them.

At kanina, habang nagkakape, umupo ako sa may pinto ng apartment 3 kung saan dati rin akong umuupo pag nagkakape at nagmumuni-muni. Humigop ako ng kape, tumingin sa “hallway” ng Ilag’s, napatingin sa mga karatig na apartments. Tumingala sa langit at nakitang nandun pa rin yung bituing lagi kong tinitingnan noon mula sa apartment. Higop ulit ng kape. Naiiyak na ako.

Nagflashback lahat. Moments. People. Feelings.

Dati, nakaupo ako roon, umiiyak dahil nakagat ako ng aso. O kaya dahil nangangambang walang mapapasali sa org. O kaya dahil sa acads. O dahil mismo sa thesis na di matapos. O dahil sa problema sa pamilya. O di kaya naman ay dahil sa kaibigan.

At ngayon, muli akong nakaupo roon, umiiyak pa rin. Sa ibang dahilan na.

Tinabihan ako ni Chelsie. Di ko kinaya, nagpaalam na ako na iiyak na talaga ako sa tabi nya. And she let me. Then she hugged me.

At wala akong nasabi kundi “Oh my gaaahd. Ang bilis. Ang daming nangyari. My gaaahd.” Punas luha, tawa, iyak pa, tawa, punas luha.

No regrets naman din talaga.

Pero shet.

What would I give to be that girl (panda) again? To be here again? To be “okay” again?

Not Rejection, Just Redirection

Rebelde, according to their website, is “a community of bold, driven, and free-spirited independent filmmakers from the Philippines who believe in the power of films in storytelling and nation-building.” They launch film camps every year in order to give aspiring filmmakers an avenue for learning about film-making and for igniting their passion in doing and celebrating films.

When I learned about this a year ago, the frustrated filmmaker in me really wanted to join the camp. But I got acads. I got thesis. And I don’t have money to register. Registration fee costs 18K for early birds and 25K for regulars. And I was like, SYET. PANG-TUITION KO NA ‘YON. I waited for promos, raffles, or anything but there was none. So long story short, I did not pursue it.

This year, they decided to open scholarships. When Jake saw their post on FB, he immediately tagged me and said “Ito na ‘yun.!” And remembering how my mother and my best friend can see me as a director, getting inspired by Tonette Jadaone, and trying to connect the dots — from my Best Playwright award in high school to my cap with “Direk” embroidered on it (it’s a gift from my best friend) to my blog entries here about my “confusion” about pursuing film,  I took my chance and applied for a slot in Screenwriting and Directing. And to my surprise, I was shortlisted and became part of the Top 50. SOBRANG THANK YOU LORD. When my friends and my family found out about it, they expressed their happiness for me and congratulated me. Sobrang sarap. Lalo na yung reaction ng Nanay ko. But it was just half of the battle. As for the next level, we were interviewed. And it was not a typical interview. Feeling ko PBB besh! While waiting for the result, I felt like my heart will explode. That’s when I knew, I wanted it so bad. But then, the agony was prolonged when they told us to wait for the final result to be emailed to us.

One week of waiting was a torture for me. I kept saying “Okay lang kahit anong result. The world can take it. I can take it.” But I know, deep down, it would be frustrating for me to get that close but still fall short. But fortunately, I took a break and went home in Quezon. There, I recomposed myself. Talked with my Mom about it —  about having a Plan B just in case I didn’t get in. So in short, the psychological torture ended.

Then, last Saturday night, as I was browsing my FB timeline, I saw Rebelde’s announcement. Unti-unti ko pang binaba. Number 5, wala pa ring Ann Gielou Posedio. Number 9. Wala. Syet yung puso ko parang malulusaw. Number 12. Wala nga yata. Teka hanggang 15 yan, malay mo naman! 14. Wala. And 15. Negative. And how am I? First 10 minutes, I’m cool. I ate dinner with Ate Dimple. After that, I called (video call) Ericson and Kathkath. Tapos doon na ako may paggulong sa kama. Hahahaha Para pala akong tanga. Pero actually, hindi naman naging ganoon kasakit. Napaghandaan ko rin kasi siguro. Ate Apple even became worried as she thought I’d be depressed. But I told her I was not. Which is the truth. And it took a conversation with Jake for me to realize why. And let me quote myself (LOL):

“Eh kasi, if I really want it, bakit di pa ako mag-apply sa film production companies? May hesitation pa rin. Deep down. I know. At yun ang goal ko this week, to talk to my heart. Kung gusto ko ba talaga or not. Kasi kung oo, hindi film camp ang magsasabi nun. Ako dapat. Di naman dahil nagfilm camp tuloy film na talaga. At hindi dahil hindi nagfilm camp, hindi matutuloy sa film. So feeling ko, itong pangyayaring ito, itong Rebelde, ito yung kulbit ni yunibers na, Uy, Di ba gusto mo ‘to? Gaano mo ba kagusto? Seryoso ka ba? Kasi kung oo, now’s the time to do it.”

So there, I guess this is neither an end of a dream nor a simula-pa-lang-yan moment. Not yet, at least. This is like a call for self-assessment. A call for some reflection about what I really want to do now. About the pros and cons of my actions. About the weight of the risks I am willing to take. About the value of the things I may have to give up just to traverse a new direction in life. About the change that I really want to happen and when do I want it to happen.

Because the thing is, you don’t wait for a turning point. You make the turning point.