Hi self. I know you feel like you’ve been through a loooot this week. I know some days just really broke you down. And hey, look at you — you still showed up in the office and in the meetings. You showed up even when your hands couldn’t stop shaking. You showed up even when your voice cracks whenever you try to speak. You showed up even when, from time to time, you had to look up, sniff air, and hold the tears in your eyes. You showed up. And it’s the bravest thing you did this week. I’m damn proud of you, Angge.
At bonus ba kamo?
Two days ago, impromptu, you presided a committee meeting. Of CALABARZON, your HOME. And you were addressed by the heads/representatives of agencies, SUCs, and private sectors as Madam Chairperson. Kahit representative ka lang, you were a fucking MADAM CHAIR AT 23.
And yesterday, you “coached” your director (coz he’s still new to the job) on presenting your agency’s budget proposal and it was endorsed by the body waaaah! Aaaand surprisingly, you enjoyed acting like an EA, too, hahaha! You even had a good laugh (and chika!!!) with sir driver. Also, you saw familiar faces in the meeting and this time, you got to greet them casually and make beso / handshake with them! And please don’t evet forget, February 7, Sir Rodne (the environment activist and advocate of cultural communities) gave you a thumbs up.
Those two meetings — they were nerve-racking af. But hey, naitawid mami! At dahil naitawid, nabigyan ka rin ng kaunting liwanag. Liwanag na nagpaalala sa’yo ng alab ng puso mo sa larangang ito — alab na napansin mong unti-unti nang nawawalan ng baga. Kaya buti na lang, may nasaksihan ka na ulit na pagningas.
Lord, grabe, salamat.
It made me realize that I am so much more than what he/anyone thinks and says about me.
And that I’m still capable of surprising myself. Of showing up. Of getting up.
At kung sakali mang maramdaman mong nauupos na ulit ang apoy at kinakain ka na naman ng impostor syndrome mo, kapag pakiramdam mo na naman na nilalamon ka ng mga masasakit na salita ng ibang tao, balikan mo lang ito.