I once told myself, “Yup. I’ll be that friend — the one who will happily watch you chase the sunrise when you’re in the mood for life, and also the one who will be there waiting for you, with open arms, just in case you decided to come back at twilight.”
I have watched people come and go in my life. Many of them I considered as friends. And yes, I lost some friends along the way. But, fortunately, I keep finding them, again and again. Well, some of them.
And I guess I have this weird bliss whenever a friend looks for me, needs me. I mean, I’m not happy that they are not okay, obviously. But I like the idea that I came to their mind at 2am, on a frustrating day, during a depressing moment, or even on a random time with a random feeling. I like to be called. I like to be DM-ed or PM-ed. I like to be needed. I wanna be there.
However, though there’s kind of a flattery I feel whenever this happens, it’s not easy to be in this situation. There’s this phonecall I had when I felt my heart breaking when my friend cried to me the achy words “Ayoko na.” At first, I really don’t know what to say. But eventually, she calmed down and we had a light and cheerful talk until she was able to breathe peacefully again. And it was so fulfilling to me when I heard her laugh again.
There, that’s the bliss I’m talking about. Being in the right place at the right time for someone. But you know, life, as we know it, is not always smooth like that. There are times that I have my own shitty situation and so I can’t handle others’ shits at the same time. But I know (I hope), they understand that.
Upon realizing all of these, I think I know one factor why I have this kind of “i-need-you bliss” thinking. Maybe, it’s him. Because I know, deep down, a part of me still wishes I could have saved him. I know, it’s really not in my hands and maybe you think I am just being a frustrated hero. But nah. And it’s not that I’m blaming myself or anything. I just sometimes think if it would make any difference if that time, I was in the right place at the right time. Could have I at least had the chance to say goodbye?
So there, I guess I found out why now, as much as possible, I wanna really be there for my friends who need me.
Not trying to be a perfect friend.
Nor a guidance counselor.
Just trying to show how much I love them.
And just also trying to apply a lesson I got not so long ago.