Bisita

Laging ako ang nagbubukas ng pinto. At nagtuturo ng daan palabas. Palabas sa buhay ko. Palayo sa puso ko.

Kaya’t kung mamaya pag-gising ko wala ka na, maiintindihan ko. Dahil ako ang nagbigay ng ideya sa iyo. Na makakaalis ka na kung gugustuhin mo.

Basta pag umalis ka na, huwag ka nang lilingon. Dahil kapag sumulyap ka pa, baka maalala kong di ako sigurado. Baka masabi ko sa’yo na di ko naman ikakandado ang pinto. Baka malaman mong umaasa ako. Na sa maikling oras na pananatili mo, baka sakaling nakabuo ka na ng sarili mong mapa pabalik dito.

At kung oo, sabihin mo lang, di ko na ipipinid ang pinto.

6 Weddings And I’m Still Learning/Yearning

I attended six weddings this year. Four of those happened this December. And by weddings I meant my friends’ weddings. Yup, I got 6 newly-wed friends in just a year, 4 in just a month. And all I can say is how? Hahaha Tsaka guys ano may deadline ba ngayong 2020 tapos di ako nainform? Lol

Every time I watch the bride walking down the aisle, walking towards the groom, I wonder what goes to their minds. I mean, okay, ang dami na kayang pelikula ang nagawa out of this narrative, I know. The always-the-bridesmaid-never-the-bride hanash? Yeah right. Pero ako personally, lagi lang ako napapaisip kung paano sila dumadating sa ganoong desisyon. Na sure na sila. That one day, they just realized that they wanna wake up with this person everyday? Na tanggap na nila ang, ika nga ni Sir Ricky Lee, “hilaga, silangan, kanluran, at timog” ng pagkatao ng isa’t isa? Pwede ba talaga ‘yon?

Well, mukhang anim na kasal na ang sumasagot sa tanong ko. Oo raw. Nangyayari raw ‘yon. At itong pinakahuli kong inattendan siguro ang may pinakamalakas na sagot. Mahaba ang backstory. Pero ang point, hindi ko malimutan ang sinabi ni bride. (NV)

“I’m marrying you not because I need to. I’m marrying you because I love you… Wala akong masabing ibang rason because the reason is you. Mahal na mahal lang talaga kita.”

And then it hit me. Shet. Yun nga ata. The way she said I love you. Idk if OA lang ako pero I think it was really different. She said it like it’s the most simple yet the most complicated thing to explain in this world. Na ang hirap bigyan ng definite reason pero at the same time ganun lang din kasimple ang meaning. Mahal n’ya lang talaga. Mahal n’ya. Yun na yun.

I got the chance to talk to the bride nung party na. Yung groom yung high school friend ko that’s why noon ko lang din nakausap nang ganoong level si bride. With the courage induced by 3 bottles of beer and some wine, I asked her, “Hey, Paano ba? Haha Paano mo nalaman?” And she replied, (NV, SORRY NA MEJ NAKAINOM NGA SO DI KO MAALALA EXACT WORDS HAHA) “Di ko rin alam eh. Hahaha Basta, malaking factor yung, one time, during our biggest fight, when he begged na huwag ko s’yang iwan, when he asked me to stay, I saw in his eyes na ayaw n’ya na talaga akong mawala. And in that moment, when I looked into his eyes, I knew rin na ayaw ko na s’yang mawala. Na, ay, ito na.”

I don’t wanna sound like the usual me whenever I watch a romcom film. Na, ~awieee, sobrang love is real and sarap mainlove and shits.~ Nah. This one is more of, idk, a taste of reality, actually. Kasi iba kapag narinig mo yun from people na alam mong iba rin yung naging struggles ng relationship. Di ako ganun kaupdated sa love story nila but I knew na hindi naging smooth yung 6 years nila of being together. But there they were that night, na para bang buhay na buhay sila knowing na official na silang mag-asawa. Na para bang kaya na nila ulit harapin ang mundo kahit gaano pa ito kafucked up. Kasi, tangina, magkasama na sila eh. Partner sila eh. Di na sila mag-isa at mag-iisa. Anong di nila kakayanin?

Ganun. Parang ganung uri ng superpower. Nakatago ba yun sa ring? Char.

Bago kami umuwi, niyakap ako ni groom (my friend/brother) and he told me, “Angge, ito rin yung wish ko para sa’yo. Na mahanap mo rin ito.”

Salamat, brother. Masayang masaya ako para sa iyo/inyo.

At kung sakali mang mahanap ko nga ito, sana kasing tapang mo/nyo na rin ako.

So, Where Were We?

Hi, WordPress, my old friend. LOL

It has been a while since my last chika. Sorry na. I guess, life just happened. And I got new crazy stories to share. Sa sobrang dami, hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. Iniisip ko rin kung ikukwento ko ba rito isa-isa, ‘yung tipong catch up level talaga sa isang old friend? O bahala nang random na mabanggit ‘yung mga life updates sa mga susunod ko pang isusulat dito? Sige, pag-iisipan ko. WOW EH SO BAKIT AKO NANDITO NGAYON?

Hahaha. Ewan, old friend. Gusto ko lang sigurong bumawi sa’yo? O baka dahil handa na ulit akong magkwento?

Kung anuman ang totoong rason, ‘di ba ang mahalaga andito na ulit ako?

Sana kilala mo pa ako.

There are all kinds of tapang in this world but never the same tapang twice.

Hi, I left my job. Again. But more on that later. For now, ang gusto ko lang muna ibahagi ay ang convo namin ng kaibigan/ex-workmate ko.

“Angge, pahingi ng tapang!”

“Pero yung tapang na magstay despite everything, iba rin yon ha. Yun naman ang tapang na wala ako.”

So hanggang saan kaya ako dadalhin ng uri ng “katapangan” na pinili ko? Abangan. Natin. Haha!

the art of showing up

Hi self. I know you feel like you’ve been through a loooot this week. I know some days just really broke you down. And hey, look at you — you still showed up in the office and in the meetings. You showed up even when your hands couldn’t stop shaking. You showed up even when your voice cracks whenever you try to speak. You showed up even when, from time to time, you had to look up, sniff air, and hold the tears in your eyes. You showed up. And it’s the bravest thing you did this week. I’m damn proud of you, Angge.

At bonus ba kamo?

Two days ago, impromptu, you presided a committee meeting. Of CALABARZON, your HOME. And you were addressed by the heads/representatives of agencies, SUCs, and private sectors as Madam Chairperson. Kahit representative ka lang, you were a fucking MADAM CHAIR AT 23. 

And yesterday, you “coached” your director (coz he’s still new to the job) on presenting your agency’s budget proposal and it was endorsed by the body waaaah! Aaaand surprisingly, you enjoyed acting like an EA, too, hahaha! You even had a good laugh (and chika!!!) with sir driver. Also, you saw familiar faces in the meeting and this time, you got to greet them casually and make beso / handshake with them! And please don’t evet forget, February 7, Sir Rodne (the environment activist and advocate of cultural communities) gave you a thumbs up. 

Those two meetings — they were nerve-racking af. But hey, naitawid mami! At dahil naitawid, nabigyan ka rin ng kaunting liwanag. Liwanag na nagpaalala sa’yo ng alab ng puso mo sa larangang ito — alab na napansin mong unti-unti nang nawawalan ng baga. Kaya buti na lang, may nasaksihan ka na ulit na pagningas. 

Lord, grabe, salamat.

It made me realize that I am so much more than what he/anyone thinks and says about me. 

And that I’m still capable of surprising myself. Of showing up. Of getting up.

At kung sakali mang maramdaman mong nauupos na ulit ang apoy at kinakain ka na naman ng impostor syndrome mo, kapag pakiramdam mo na naman na nilalamon ka ng mga masasakit na salita ng ibang tao, balikan mo lang ito.

SIMULA

Hi, January 2019 self. Maniwala ka kay Sir Grab Driver. Tama siya. Spoiler: 2019 will be a year of a looot of firsts. 😉

And hey, you will be fine.

You’ll make it through the whole year.

Love,
2020 Angge

PS
Thank you for being courageous enough to start again, fail again, laugh again, cry again, and try again. I owe you big time, ghorl!

OPLAN #LasahanAngKape2020

For 2020, the goal is to slow down, pay attention, connect more, and taste my coffee.

(Will elaborate the context on the next entry hihi)

Deadline: January 1, 2021

  • Find my passion project
  • Learn how to play kalimba.Hi, Karen my Kalimba!
  • Start eating vegetables (aside from sitaw and hilaw na carrots).
  • Watch Clara Benin / Cheats / 3D perform live.
  • Settle all utangs! Yes to financial freedom! Wow!
  • Subscribe to journaling!
  • Witness a shooting star. Always.

And this year, I decided to include my #GoodbyeTo stuff. Para hindi lang puro dagdag, dapat mayroon ding pagbabawas. Naks ‘kala mo naman talaga!

Goodbye to 2019 and:

  • Superduperomegaoverthinking please
  • Uncomfy clothes and shoes
  • Madumi living 😦
  • Angkas pagpasok coz late ang gising!
  • Being late sa work! (lalo na sa airport huhu)
  • Styro!!!
  • Too much samgyup aka samgyup every week :c

And because we’re not getting any younger lol:

Adulting101 checklist for 2020!

  • SSS
  • New savings account

So paano ba ‘yan? Aja, Angge!

Please. Don’t. Go. Back.

I am so scared. So scared of being my 2017 self again. Ayoko na nun. That’s the version of myself that’s so hard to love and accept. So messed up. So empty. Yes, she was strong for bearing everything. But I can’t be that person again. I don’t want to be that person again. 

Anec-notes

Found these scribbles on my phone’s notes.

 

image-1
DATE: NOVEMBER 8, 2018 | Hindi talaga ako nagmumura in person pero nakailang mura ako rito. Anyare? Isang bote lang naman ng smirnoff ininom ko. G na g teh. Hahaha 

 

img_3972
DATE: DECEMBER 21, 2018 | Moment of truth. I was writing my resignation letter. It felt both liberating and sad, you know. Yung kalayaan mo, may kaakibat na pagbitaw. Pero minsan, ang totoong tagumpay ay nasa pagsuko rin naman pala.

 

Nakakaloka. Nakakatawa. Pero nakakatuwa.

Dahil sa mga ito, I realized that no matter how messed up I am, di pa rin ako tumitigil. I’m still that girl who keeps on keeping on. I’m still capable of surprising myself. At least yun, kaya kong i-claim na kaya ko.

May kaya pa akong gawin. 

 

#BalikLakasLoob2019 AKA #Courageous2019

Deadline: January 1, 2020

  • Get a new job.  TYL! ❤
  • Enroll in grad school.  Haven’t hehe! Due to other priorities tho.
  • Learn to play new musical instrument/s. Next year! Hi, Karen my Kalimba!
  • Learn to speak a new dialect. Madamu gid nga salamat! Pwede na ba ‘yon? LOL
  • Engage in sports. Not yet :<
  • Volunteer. Ish? During UPB’s Kislap (Youth Camp)
  • Watch CLARA BENIN / CHEATS / NOEL CABANGON / JOHNOY DANAO perform live. Nope :c
  • Print photos. Did not. :/
  • Send a postcard. Did not. :/
  • Drink coffee/beer while watching the sea (preferably during a sunrise/sunset). No :/
  • Witness a shooting star. Nah 😐

But hey, this year, I had a lot of new experiences I never thought I’d have. First solo plane ride, first samgyup gaming lol, first kalat na inom jusqqq, first time to meet “legendary” people (and be actually friends with them ❤ ), first legit something, and first hehe. LUH!

In short, 2019 was a year of courage, indeed.

Thank you self, for being courageous enough to start again, fail again, laugh again, cry again, and try again.

Tap on the back, Angge.

Now, onto 2020.

Aja?

Aja.