Anngie will (still) be Anngie

“She loves more than she’ll ever get back and she knows it. And yet, she loves anyway.”

And I tried to change, didn’t I?

Not to be sentimental anymore. Not that sensitive anymore. Not that thoughtful. Not that sweet. Not to wear my heart on my sleeves anymore. Yung poker face na lang? Yung di masyado emotional? Haha Yung not to care too much? Alam mo yun? Para baka sakaling di na ako masyado affected lagi?

But kanina, my fav aunt (who’s in US) sent me a picture of the doll I gave her 8 years ago. Kung naaalala ko pa raw yon. I gave it to her bago sya umalis. And she kept it. Treasured it. At dun ko narealize na I must not change how I love, how I show my love to the people I love. Coz that love can go a long way. Through time and space. And just my luck, that love found me back. It even saved me from the negativity I’ve been feeling.

Hay. How powerful love is.

So Anngie, take it from Kris.

Love, love, love!


PS

I love my aunt, Ninang Aims, so much. Iba yung pagmamahal nya sa akin. Mula noong bata pa ako. Di ko sure kung deserve ko. May kaya palang magmahal sa akin nang ganun (aside from my mom and my sibs). Lucky to have spent good times with her noong umuwi sya. Sinulit ko talaga. Baka matagalan na yung next eh. Hay miss ko na siya. Hope she’s happy wherever she is. For now, I will just send my love for her via prayer (and an IG post haha).

Masarap nga pala minsan yung feeling na meron naman palang may favorite sa akin. (Bukod Kay Alex. Noon. Kbye πŸ˜‚)

Happy Father’s Day, Finally

Honestly, maraming beses na akong nagmura sa utak ko. Pero if I’m not mistaken, thrice ko palang na-voice out yung t*ng-i*a. First, when I found out that my bestfriend passed away. Second, when I got emo because I got bitten by the dog we were training for PSY140 (Psychology of Learning). It happened during a bad, bad time that’s why I kinda lost my mind. I even wrote a blog about it here! Hahaha And the third one was last Saturday, when I read my father’s reply to me.

Natigilan ako dahil kung di ako nagkakamali, this was the first time na natawag nya akong “anak.” Ang drama pakinggan pero wala e, it seemed like there was a space in my heart waiting for that word from him. And when he finally said (texted) it, napasabi ako ng malutong na tang-ina while shaking my head. (Teka nawalan ng sense yung pagcensor ko kanina) Hahaha Mukha akong sira that moment. But I remember how it made me smile.

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Okay na. Okay na ako sa ganito. Hanggang ganito na lang tayo pero okay na rin, Pa. Basta safe ka. At masaya. At basta maging tatay ka sa kanila. Basta di sila lumaki nang may bubog na tulad ng sa akin. At basta okay ka. Okay na.

No Words

Madaling-araw na. Pagod na. Maagap pa ang gising bukas. But I’m here. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang isulat dito na… 

NAKARAMING AKBAY SA AKIN TONIGHT ANG TATAY KO.

And if that’s his way of saying sorry, apology accepted po.

Gusto kong magsumbong sa’yo.

Oh heto. Na-fragile ako nung tinanong mo ako, β€œHow are you, yung totoo?”

Yung totoo?

Paano ko ba sasabihin sa’yo?

Na kung anu-ano nang pinagGAGAwa ko hahahahaha

Na may nanakit sa feelings ko.

Na hindi naman ako nag-invest masyado pero feeling ko talo pa rin ako.

Na nahihirapan na naman akong maniwala.

Na may hindi pa rin akong maexplain na feeling.

Na some days okay naman pero minsan, wala eh, empty talaga.

Na minsan, there are some people who are giving me a “hard time.”

Na madalasΒ ang labo-labo ko na talaga hahaha

Na sana nandito ka ulit sa tabi ko habang nag-o-all-nighter ako.

Na iniiyakan ko ngayon yung kantang dinedicate mo sa akin.

Na miss na miss na kita. Kayo.

Na lately, ang lungkot na mag-isa.

The Insanity that Gives Sanity

Took me more than a month to get back here. Haha What happened? A LOT. It was a crazy month. Lots of first times. Lots of fun. Lots of mood swings. And I must admit, lots of mistakes. There were also down moments, for no apparent reason. But to sum it all up, one word: INSANE.

 

Insane Adventure: EKstreme

Got the chance to explore Enchanted Kingdom for the first time (I KNOW!).  Bonus: With my best friends: Nikko and Jickey. Natuloy din sa wakas! Hahahaha That day was really tiring but totally well spent. And I know, the magic stayed with us. Well, our friendship is our true magic, anyway.

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Photos by: Jickey Ella Mendoza

Insane Encounter (with Angel of Death huhuhaha)

That Insane Adventure became memorable not just because of our BFF day. I will never forget April 8, 2017 because it was the day I refused to die. Yup, I just fought for my life. Woooh strong! So here’s what happened. Before going to EK, we decided to have lunch first at Nuvali. I was doing fine until we got there around 12NN. I thought it’s just because of dysmenorrhea as I was starting to feel pain on my lower abdomen. So, the first thing I did was to go to the restroom. But, when I sat on the toilet bowl, I suddenly felt dizzy. I felt like melting as I started sweating excessively. I felt nauseous. Thinking it’s because of hunger, I immediately got food and water from my bag. But it did not help. So I stood up. That’s when I felt collapsing. I sat on the floor and tried with all my might to get my phone and text Jickey. I managed to send two messages: “Ike help” and “CR.” Fortunately, that time, they were taking selfies (MAUUTAS NA LANG AKO PICTORIAL PA YUNG DALAWANG BUANG) and so she immediately saw my text. She thought I was just gonna ask for napkin but she was shookt to see me on the floor. And according to her, as she describes it to Nikko,  (NV) “Alam mo yung para tayong nagroroadtrip tapos tumigil tayo sa isang gasolinahan para mag-CR si Angge. Tapos dun sya nagbreakdown. Mukha syang broken!!!” Wow, thanks Ike. Anyway, the bottomline is… SHET, THIS IS MY SECOND LIFE! (baka nga hindi lang second eh) HUHU THANK YOU LORD. AND THANK YOU JICKEY FOR SAVING ME. Grabe talaga. I remember myself saying in the middle of my ~battle~, “No. Hindi ako pwedeng mamatay today. Ayoko. Mag-e-EK pa kami. Ako na naman ang jinx.” Yup, my ~fighting thoughts~. And I succeeded. Oh di ba, insane?

Insane Bath (Hahaha BUHUSAYA sa Lucban!!!)

It was my first time to celebrate BUHUSAN, an Easter Sunday celebration in Lucban, ofcourse, with my dearest orgmates. Oh di ba, kung kailan nakagraduate na ako. Hahaha And, it was really fun to the point na understatement na ang salitang fun. Ganern. Highlight of party is when we’re all jumping and screaming together habang nakaikot sa aming mga sisses ang brods. Nagkakabungguan and medyo pisikalan kasi sa crowd. And the sweetest brods suddenly formed a circle where kapit-kapit sila to protect us habang nagwawalwal. Sobrang solid nung feeling. And another solid feeling, I was able to catch up with my friends. Not to mention my heart to heart session with Kathkath and with Chelsie (who gave us warm accommodation, yey thanks Nak!). Ang sarap lang sa feeling to be able to feel alive again because of my orgmates’ hugs and stories. That’s why I’m really hoping for a next getaway with them. Asap!

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Photos by: Ericson Andaya, Cedric Abuso, and Chelsie Calubayan

 

 Insane Move (That Changed My Life CHAROT)

Okay. Honestly, I don’t feel comfortable sharing this here. And man, sobrang haba ikwento. Hahaha So, I’ll just give the gist. In the simplest and most direct way I can. Lol So. Napatunayan kong late bloomer ako. HAHA There’s this guy (eeeew, not so Anngie HAHAHA). Okay “simplest and most direct way” nga pala. I met a guy. In a not-so-Anngie way. HE HE. And then we started having communication. Then I came back to my senses. I told him that I don’t want play time. So I just asked him to be my friend. Pero ang labo nya. Until we lost the “PBB teens” / “sparks” we had at first. Then I got sad. I realized how messed up I am especially when it comes to this thing. I’m so complicated. Combination ni Robin and Ted, that’s how I feel. So I started sharing it to some of my closest friends. Sobrang hesitant ko to share it coz I really find it difficult to talk about it. Ewan ko ba. Di talaga ako sanay. So yun. I got pieces of advice. And, I got the chance to really talk to my heart. Until narealize ko na lang na I’m tired of mind games. My own mind games. And ayaw ko na syang problemahin. So I started getting detached. KAYA BA NG ISANG ANNGIE YON? HAHAHA PERO, YES, KINAKAYA. Coz it’s not just about knowing what you deserve. It’s also believing that you deserve it. So yun, but I did not block him. Tuloy lang, casual na lang ako. And the insane part, until now open pa rin communication namin. Although I thought tapos na when we did not talk for several days. But he still came back. But we’re not like we used to be. In fairness naman, I did not want to push him away and be this “detached.” Sometimes, it’s tempting to show him the real me – clingy, talkative, and medyo thoughtful (hehe claim ko po muna lol). But I can’t. Especially when he can’t give me a reason to do so. Pero teka ano ito. Breaking news! This just in! Yup as in as I’m writing this! Mukhang we’re starting to be real friends na. Half of my heart is saying, “Meh. Okay lang naman.” The other half naman is shouting “Medyo tangaaaa!” Pero wala. Game na. Sabi nga ng post ko sa Instagram kanina, “Do whatever the hell it takes to make you feel real again.” So I guess, tingnan na lang natin kung saan ito hahantong. Abangan ang susunod na kabanata. (SANA NAMAN WAG AKONG LUHAAN BAKLAAAA HUHUHAHAHA) Okay. Simplest. Most direct. Galeng.

 

Insane Life (In a Good Way)

These are just some of the insane moments I got lately. Marami pang iba. Minsan nakakatempt pagsisihan, lalo na pag di mo masyado nagustuhan ang outcome. But that’s life. Being wrong, being right. Being happy, being sad. And everything in between. So just enjoy the insanity, dear self. Magmemake sense din in the end. And if it didn’t, it’s okay, that’s still life.